Spotting red flags in a relationship can be tricky, as can keeping up with all their nicknames, from benching to cushioning. One term you’ll definitely want to add to your vocab? Breadcrumbing.
How to Deal with Breadcrumbing
Since it can be difficult to decipher whether you're being led on by someone else, it can be helpful to lean on your support system if you suspect someone is breadcrumbing you. Talk to friends or a mental health professional who can give you an outsider's perspective on the behaviors, advises Mascardo
Another way to gain clarity on the situation is through journaling. "Once you [suspect] breadcrumbing is occurring, take a step back to journal about the behavior in a thoughtful, non-judgmental way," says Manly. "Reflect on the behaviors and how they made you feel. Journaling will help you gain clarity and objectivity about the situation."
Once you’ve realized you’re being led on, it’s time to set healthy boundaries. If you feel safe doing so, you can do this by directly addressing the breadcrumber and asking them for consistency, says Manly. “For example, you might say, ‘I feel very disappointed about our interactions. I realize now that you’ve been breadcrumbing me. I deserve to be treated with respect.'” Doing this may open a dialogue between you and the breadcrumber that can either make them acknowledge and change their behaviors or help you realize it’s best to end the relationship altogether. If you choose to do the latter, you can try saying something like, “I don’t have space in my life for toxic, manipulative behaviors. I’m moving forward with my life, so please don’t bother reaching out to me in the future,” says Manly.
If you don't feel comfortable addressing the situation directly, you can try taking some space from the manipulator, and engaging less frequently with them. For instance, if they text you asking to hang out, you can deny their request as a way to set a boundary and give a hint that you aren't someone that they can take advantage of. "Sometimes, just reducing your exposure to the breadcrumbing behavior can help to reduce its power over you," says Mascardo.
Ideally, you'll avoid getting deeply involved with breadcrumbers in the first place. You can do that by watching for red flags and the things you don't want in your relationship. "In many cases, red flags pop up but are disregarded out of the desire to have a connection," says Manly. If you find that you want to spend time with the person more than they want to with you or that they're super friendly one day and cold and distant another day, take note. "Paying close attention to red flags and then openly talking about any concerns with the person you are dating is the best way to encourage healthy dating interactions," says Manly.
When watching out for breadcrumbing, let the cliché "talk is cheap" guide you, says Mascardo. "What the other person isn't saying or doing is just as important as what they are saying," she says. "Always measure a person's actions over their words."
