Your sexuality, or lack thereof, is up to you entirely — not for anyone else to presume. It's not up for debate. And it's especially not for anyone else to audaciously assume as agreeable. Or to shame, slander, denigrate, or penalize you as a person. Though, unfortunately, people tend do just that.
The reality is that being kind to someone neither justifies nor solicits subsequent sexual behavior. You can certainly smile at someone without some sort of secretively sexual agenda or ulterior motives. After all, as womxn, we're pestered to smile all the time. Hell, we sometimes smile through the bullshit simply to survive or stop it from gaining ground.
Just remember that you should never feel uncomfortable for making someone feel uncomfortable who made you feel uncomfortable. Yup, let that sink in.
You did not give someone the wrong idea for being "too nice." You did not lead anyone on for being friendly. And you do not owe anyone anything. Even if you did, at some point, want to engage in a sexual activity or a sexual relationship with that person — or perhaps you even have in the past — you are free to change your mind for any reason, including no reason at all, at any time. This spans every situation, from one-time flings to long-term relationships.
Of course, open communication can clear up misunderstandings. But, frankly, someone else’s fantasy-induced letdown is not your burden to bear. (Also read: Exactly Why Toxic Masculinity Is So Harmful)
You are so much more than your body.
There is, indeed, a difference between calling someone's body "sexy" and calling it "sexual." Someone might see you as sexy, and that could very well feel good. After all, arguably, most people like to feel sexy — even if they don't always intend to look it.
But “sexy” can be harmless because it’s in the eye of the complimenter; they own that. “Sexual,” however, is dangerously devoid of consent, because the person who decided for you that you are sexual is putting that on you. From there, they may make false assumptions and wrongly justify their own sexual advances. At best, they encroach on your privacy and break your very valid boundaries. At worst, they commit crime.
Your body is your home, and there’s a whole lot more to it than being “sexy” or “sexual.” Mine is also strong and smart and storied. It’s what’s carried me through life, helping me climb in my career, pursue my passions, and travel all around the world. And, sure, it’s sometimes how I explore sexual pleasures, too.
The point is: Your body is a lot of things, and it never has to be all of those things. The only thing it always is, is your safe space. And that should never be taken away from you.
